Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Keeping Up With Myself...

So I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.  Thinking about what I was going to write, how I wanted to say it... and time slipped away.

I will just write what comes to mind.

So finals are coming up.  Graduation is in May.  I quit my job.  I have canceled at least 5 appointments to try on wedding dresses, and my Dad greets me today when I walked through the door at his house with "I think you really have messed up this time" (in regards to quitting my job).  I mean come on Dad... really.

Note:  This is coming from a man who had the following conversation with me:
DAD: What are you going to do till you find work?
ME:  Volunteer, temp work, anything to meet new people and help others.
DAD:  Why?
ME:  Build connections... help the community... get involved in something...
DAD:  You don't get paid for doing that.
ME:  I am aware...
DAD:  That's just a really stupid idea... work for no pay.  I never understood that and it's just a waste of time.
ME:  ... ok Dad...

Kinda get an idea now?

Oh, and my mother has managed to break my heart more times than you can imagine.  So as I had said in an earlier blog, my Mom has started drinking again.  So she got clean for about a week and then decides she wants to start up again.  This time around... she looses her job.  So then after about a week of sitting around boozing it up my Aunt gets in touch with her.  After a couple of days of asking if she would like to get help my Mom agrees and she is admitted into a detox program for about two weeks.  Now she has found a new sober living facility and lets just hope she does not fudge this one up. 

I have not talked to her in weeks.  I like it this way.  I have no desire at this moment to have contact with her.  I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I want to go dress shopping without her there.
I feel guilty that right now... I don't even have the desire to have her at my graduation or my wedding.
I feel guilty that when she calls the house I don't pick up the phone and I don't answer her text.

But I feel good right now and I like it.

Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish.  Then I realize I have a life.  I am responsible for myself only.  I have to make sure that I take care of myself.

That's exactly what I am doing.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Loving the alcoholic...or trying

I had a moment the other day listening to the radio.  I have to say I love NPR on Sundays.  (I hate to say I'm not a contributor.  I know I know.  This pledge drive I promise!)  But anyway, as I was listening to On Being (in case you wanted to listen to it), I was sucked in.

In short, Fr. Greg Boyle, is a priest working with gang prevention in LA.  He has changed the lives of many kids living in gang filled areas and his loving kindness blows me away.  He is truly doing the work of God.  But the way he spoke of his "homies" (or the kids he mentors), cracked me up!  All of these kids, and young adults, are former gang members that are trying to make a better life for themselves and Fr. Boyle is the man who had the faith in them.  

How does this play into my life?  This man has loved so many guys that have done some horrible things.  If he is able to find the love in his heart, I can find the love in my heart for my mom.  It may not be easy.  It may not be fun.  It may be hard work.  But it is something that I know I should do. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Change to come

So it has been a moment since I have put something up.  In all honesty, I started this blog because of a class.  I am going to continue this blog because the topic of alcoholism is important to me and something, I am sure, will be present in my life for a long time.

Over the past months I have found that many people I know have had similar experiences.  I have found that opening up a dialogue about the subject is healthy; not only for me, but the many people who I have come across who have opened up to me about their own experiences.  I feel compelled to tell my story in the hopes that it will help at least one person.

What is most ironic about all of this?  When I started this blog, my mother was sober.  Now that I am writing again, my mother has recently reentered her "sober house" where they test her several times a week for alcohol use.  I am sure she is proud of herself.  I believe she has ulterior motives... but I am trying to be optimistic.  It is tough though. 

The week before I was to start shopping for a wedding dress is when my mom started drinking.  Really, is this really going on?  I could not believe it.  It put me in a tizzy.  I could not believe it.  Seriously Mom?

I talked with my Dad later that week about what was going on.  They are divorced but they still have a great friendship.  Dad told me about something my grandpa told him when he and my mom first got together.  He told me that an alcoholic will fall off the wagon as soon as things start looking up.  That is so true.  I remember when I was a senior in high school and my mom was drinking again.  It was my senior homecoming and we were taking pictures and getting ready to head out.  I will never forget my mom pulling up in the driveway (someone drove her) and she was drunk as a skunk.  First, to whoever brought her, what the hell were you thinking?  Second, that was the topic of conversation that night for the first part of the evening.  Thanks again.

I wonder if other peoples accomplishments are too hard for her to handle?  Like the story above, I am a senior in college now, graduating this semester, getting married in October... and my moms a drunk.  Or maybe a recovering one... again.

Are my acomplishmen