So I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. Thinking about what I was going to write, how I wanted to say it... and time slipped away.
I will just write what comes to mind.
So finals are coming up. Graduation is in May. I quit my job. I have canceled at least 5 appointments to try on wedding dresses, and my Dad greets me today when I walked through the door at his house with "I think you really have messed up this time" (in regards to quitting my job). I mean come on Dad... really.
Note: This is coming from a man who had the following conversation with me:
DAD: What are you going to do till you find work?
ME: Volunteer, temp work, anything to meet new people and help others.
DAD: Why?
ME: Build connections... help the community... get involved in something...
DAD: You don't get paid for doing that.
ME: I am aware...
DAD: That's just a really stupid idea... work for no pay. I never understood that and it's just a waste of time.
ME: ... ok Dad...
Kinda get an idea now?
Oh, and my mother has managed to break my heart more times than you can imagine. So as I had said in an earlier blog, my Mom has started drinking again. So she got clean for about a week and then decides she wants to start up again. This time around... she looses her job. So then after about a week of sitting around boozing it up my Aunt gets in touch with her. After a couple of days of asking if she would like to get help my Mom agrees and she is admitted into a detox program for about two weeks. Now she has found a new sober living facility and lets just hope she does not fudge this one up.
I have not talked to her in weeks. I like it this way. I have no desire at this moment to have contact with her. I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I want to go dress shopping without her there.
I feel guilty that right now... I don't even have the desire to have her at my graduation or my wedding.
I feel guilty that when she calls the house I don't pick up the phone and I don't answer her text.
But I feel good right now and I like it.
Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish. Then I realize I have a life. I am responsible for myself only. I have to make sure that I take care of myself.
That's exactly what I am doing.
