Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Keeping Up With Myself...

So I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.  Thinking about what I was going to write, how I wanted to say it... and time slipped away.

I will just write what comes to mind.

So finals are coming up.  Graduation is in May.  I quit my job.  I have canceled at least 5 appointments to try on wedding dresses, and my Dad greets me today when I walked through the door at his house with "I think you really have messed up this time" (in regards to quitting my job).  I mean come on Dad... really.

Note:  This is coming from a man who had the following conversation with me:
DAD: What are you going to do till you find work?
ME:  Volunteer, temp work, anything to meet new people and help others.
DAD:  Why?
ME:  Build connections... help the community... get involved in something...
DAD:  You don't get paid for doing that.
ME:  I am aware...
DAD:  That's just a really stupid idea... work for no pay.  I never understood that and it's just a waste of time.
ME:  ... ok Dad...

Kinda get an idea now?

Oh, and my mother has managed to break my heart more times than you can imagine.  So as I had said in an earlier blog, my Mom has started drinking again.  So she got clean for about a week and then decides she wants to start up again.  This time around... she looses her job.  So then after about a week of sitting around boozing it up my Aunt gets in touch with her.  After a couple of days of asking if she would like to get help my Mom agrees and she is admitted into a detox program for about two weeks.  Now she has found a new sober living facility and lets just hope she does not fudge this one up. 

I have not talked to her in weeks.  I like it this way.  I have no desire at this moment to have contact with her.  I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I want to go dress shopping without her there.
I feel guilty that right now... I don't even have the desire to have her at my graduation or my wedding.
I feel guilty that when she calls the house I don't pick up the phone and I don't answer her text.

But I feel good right now and I like it.

Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish.  Then I realize I have a life.  I am responsible for myself only.  I have to make sure that I take care of myself.

That's exactly what I am doing.